Working as Intended

I've been playing a lot of Blur lately. Really, a lot. I somehow even managed to complete a challenge which basically amounts to, "Jesus, man, turn the console off!" Of course the game itself would end up doing that for me, since it still likes to freeze like nobody's buisness, but oh well.

While playing Blur, I've discovered a lot of strange traits in the many drivers who inhabit the Multiplayer section. I have no idea if this is a PS3-only thing, but given humanity's knack to not learn anything ever I think it's safe to assume it's going to happen on the 360 as well. If only because it's Xbox Live, and the chances of finding intelligence there is about as likely as finding a recent Guitar Hero game that hasn't been whored out.

Right, let us begin!

:: Player Type #1: Mr/s. Can't-Take-a-Fucking-Corner-For-Their-Life ::

This curious type of driver, no matter what course, no matter what type of car they're driving, does not seem to be able to acknowledge this strange 'Brake' option that is available to them. They will instead insist on slamming into the oncoming barrier at 200+km/h, often resulting in something like this.




Why they insist on doing this is a mystery, as a light tap of the L2 trigger will easily allow you to turn much more reliably, with barely a reduction in speed. This type of driver is incredibly common, mostly because their ritual before slamming into the barrier at nigh-terminal velocity is to try and take as many people with them. Possibly as some means of sacrifice to their Old Gods, who can't drive automatic.

This is probably the least threatening of the many types of Blur players, as slamming into a corner will generally bounce you in the right direction, and you can still finish the race in a decent position, provided you sacrifice enough of your fellow racers.



:: Player Type #2: Mr/s. Premature Release ::

Also commonly known in many circles as Those Who Must Use Their Power-ups Right the Fuck Now.

I don't refer to having a legitimate use to fire your power-up the second you get it, I talk of the strange players who will use a shield even when nobody is firing at them. Those who will fire their Shunt, or Barge, or Bolt in front of them even when there's no target. Those who repair their vehicle, despite it being at full health.




Again, like the first type of player, it is unknown why they act like this, as power-ups in Blur are all about proper timing and position. Firing your power-ups rapidly at nothing does nothing except.. well.. nothing. Perhaps they are so alarmed by the prospect of holding something as powerful as a Mine or a Nitro and go, "Forgive me for picking you up, I am not worthy of such a task. I shall now release you back into the ether that surrounds our majestic world. Be off, kind spirits of the race-track, may you find peace beyond our time!"

Then they're hit from behind by a Shunt and are promptly flung off a cliff backwards on fire.



:: Player Type #3: The Hoarder ::

This type of driver is so excited to be finally holding those three power-ups they've been gunning for all race that they'll immediately forget they have them and never use them for the rest of the race, making the entire thing pointless.


One can only assume that they have a case of the But I Might Need it Laters. That annoying, overbaring urge to collect the good items now, just in case you need them later. I could use that Nitro now, but what if someone overtakes me soon? Hmm, I suppose I could part with the Shunt now, but what if I need to defend myself against incoming attacks? No, I don't want to use my Repair now, what if I turn around the corner and all my tires decide to spontaneously explode for no adequately explored reason!?

Once a player adopts this mentality, there's very little that can break them out of it. They are doomed to be satisfied with what they've collected, but never actually use them to win the race. The best you can hope for is that after the race is finished they'll walk up to the winner, cough up the items and hover around the winner's knees waiting for some sort of appreciative gesture.



:: Player Type #4: Mr/s. THIS-IS-SUCH-A-BIG-FUCKING-DEAL ::

Oddly enough this is the rarest kind of player to inhabit the Blur fields. Possibly because their kind is currently basking in the Halo and Call of Duty plains many miles away.

However, occasionally a stray from the herd will make its way here and find itself in a truly bizarre landscape. One where people don't listen to them (Mute~) as well as one where people don't give a shit and will out-voice them by making amusing remarks, screaming music into the headset or trying to order a pizza with their friend, but they've forgotten that they've left the microphone on their head somehow.




Not much can be said for this creature once they've stepped into Blur territory, oddly. The mechanics of the power-ups and the course mean they can never gain an advantage over anyone else, which is usually the main food supply of this angry, Neanderthal-like race. Without the proper intake, this creature often weakly stumbles back to their herds elsewhere or transforms slowly into one of the other players, often, if not always, shedding their angry shell in the process.

Alas, poor one, you were too stupid for this world..



:: Final Player Type: HERP-DERPA-DERP ::

The last kind of player on this list is by far the most curious. This player exhibits traits from almost all of the above, but swings between them so wildly it really does feel like an entirely new category of creature. When you see them flail madly on the track, trying to ram and take out other players but failing miserably before swerving immediately 90º to fling themselves off a cliff-edge while screaming and swearing, you too will say what everyone who witnesses this spectacle does.

"Yeah, they have no fucking idea what they're doing."




This player truly confounds everyone. They can't be acting this stupid on purpose, as their general anger and sheer determination to actually race conflicts with that line of thought, but at the same time they seem to almost trying to fail as well.

In one encounter with these types, I saw one actually win a race through the power of sheer stupidity. They crashed, they exploded, they flung themselves off every cliff edge humanly possible and even some that weren't for good measure. They did everything that would cause someone to come in dead last, yet they won.

And here's where the odd thing occurs. The next race almost everyone started doing this, as if they went, "Fuck, if it can win that moron a race it can do the same for me!" Leading me to believe this is how this type of player has managed to increase its numbers, though thankfully not to an alarming degree. I would try and hunt down Subject Zero and see how s/he managed to create this entirely new breed, but upon reflection I believe it would be best to avoid possible contact by any means, lest I turn into one of.. them.



Hopefully by reading this you can now identify the various players that inhabit the courses and plan accordingly. They are a mostly harmless but still rather baffling and occasionally mentally dangerous threat. Drive home safely, everyone!

At least as safely as you can while being bombarded by energy balls of death and giant electrical mines.